rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
