Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
