Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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