honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize