seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
