Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Im part way to drunk.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Drunk is not a location!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
