for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
