I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize