I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
