Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
