all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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