it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
