sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
