I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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