just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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