chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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