whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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