I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
