I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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