i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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