I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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