The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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