I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
