Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
