Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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