Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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