I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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