i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
