Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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