yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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