i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
