tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
