"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
