You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
