i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
