we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
