dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
