Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
