i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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