Nicole vs. Life
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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