new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
