Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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