i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
