dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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