Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
