There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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