somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
