He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Come on in and take your pants off
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