I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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