I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
