You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
