Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
