If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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