When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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