I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
