I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
